I decided to follow Jesus when I was a little girl, and I was on fire at first. There is a hysterical tape recording (yes, I’m that old) of me rattling off Bible verses and singing camp songs. I am thankful the Word of God was instilled in me when I was young because no matter where life took me, I still had verses and songs to cling to. But as I grew up, I pushed Jesus to the outskirts of my life. As a result, I spent much of my life treading water, just trying to stay afloat. What was I missing?
I was missing something.
Even though I had accepted Jesus as my Savior and had grown up with some level of faith, I was not living the abundant life Jesus promised. I battled insecurity and depression as a teenager. Alcoholism and promiscuity as a young adult. Fear and worry as a mom. Strongholds and struggles paralyzed me and although I would often cry out to God for help, I remained stuck in the same miserable cycle of regret, repent, and repeat.
I was missing faith. I was missing peace. I was missing victory. And I was miserable.
I was missing faith.
I wasn’t missing saving faith, but I was missing believing faith. I tried to control everything, not fully trusting the outcomes to God. This lack of faith impacted my family, my relationships, my finances, and my future.
I tried desperately to control the outcomes in my life because I was not fully convinced God would take care of them. I knew He could, but I was not convinced He would. When I faced trials in my life, I cried out to God in prayer, but I struggled to believe He would answer. My prayers were usually more a declaration of how I thought things should go than an appeal to God for His will. I was so caught up in trying to figure out how He would move that I couldn’t get out of the way and let God be God. I was not fully convinced.
In the Bible, we read about a man named Abraham whom God called righteous because of his faith. What was it about Abraham’s faith? What did he do that I was not doing?
For starters, he agreed to follow God to an unknown land far away without reaching for a map and charting his own course. He stepped out in faith and allowed God to take the lead. Then, when God told him to sacrifice his son, the son God had promised and then miraculously provided, he did not hesitate to obey. He knew God would not break His promise and even though he had no idea how, Abraham trusted that God would work it all out. He moved forward in faith, leaving the details to God.
Fully convinced
Abraham consistently trusted God! Even when he could not see the end result and everything about his current situation seemed contrary to what God had promised, he did not waiver in unbelief. He believed in God, and he believed God. Despite what he saw and even when there was no reason to hope. Abraham trusted God because he was fully convinced that God would do what He promised!
Abraham had a fully convinced, no-turning-back, all-in-for-God, even when life gets crazy kind of faith! I needed that kind of faith! I needed to grab hold of some truth in order to give up control and trust God.
I needed to remember that I am a child of God and He has a plan and purpose for my life that will not be thwarted. Every detail of my life was planned out before I was born and nothing will happen in my life that doesn’t run by God first. He is always good, and He loves me with a love I cannot even fathom.
“And if God cares so wonderfully for the wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?” Matthew 6:30 NLT
I was missing peace.
I was missing peace largely because I was missing faith. I worried about the future and agonized over my sins. The more I tried to control things, the more fear and anxiety I experienced because I couldn’t really control any of it. The Bible talks so much about the peace of God, but for many of us, it is an untapped resource. The peace of God that surpasses understanding is an incredible thing to have and a wonderful thing to display for others. I knew it existed, but I did not have it!
I hinged on the “what ifs,” forgetting that nothing could ever separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus. No matter what I walked through, the loving arms of my Heavenly Father would always be around me. That’s what Jesus wanted His followers to understand before He left them. That He would always be with them. In every moment throughout all of time. Until the day He comes back for us. When you really believe that (faith!) you will have true peace.
“And lo, I am with you always [remaining with you perpetually – regardless of circumstance, and on every occasion], even to the end of the age.” – Matthew 28:20 (Amplified Translation)
I was missing victory.
My strongholds, setbacks, and struggles always won.
We can believe God because He is trustworthy. We can have peace because His love is unfailing. And we can have victory because Jesus overcame sin and death. When we trust in Jesus for salvation, we have victory over the eternal outcome of sin because God replaced our sin debt with Jesus’ righteousness. In Christ, we have eternal life! So, if we have victory over sin and death, why would we not also have victory over life’s strongholds and struggles?
The enemy loves to use failure as a weapon. When he can convince you that you’ve blown it, the rest is easy. Doubt. Despair. Fear. He will try to make you think it’s no big deal, but the endless cycles of regret, repent, and repeat tell you differently. Then he’ll hammer you with excuses. You can’t help it. You were born this way. It runs in your family. And so on. He’ll tempt you and lie to you over and over, so you never gain victory. Meanwhile, the abundant resources at your disposal through the Holy Spirit lie dormant while you try to fight in the flesh and fail again and again.
This was me! I had to stop and acknowledge my strongholds and struggles. I needed to pray earnestly for God’s help and allow the prompting of the Spirit to be louder than the lies of the devil. As I made one better choice at a time, I started to gain ground, and I determined not to let the devil knock me back down.
The epiphany
Then one day as I read the Bible, God showed me something He had told His people, the Israelites, when Joshua was getting ready to bring them into the Promised Land.
A quick backstory reveals how similar their journey was to mine. They had been rescued from captivity in Egypt, but they were wandering in the wasteland. A journey that should’ve taken them less than two weeks took nearly forty years because of their stubborn disobedience. Instead of doing things God’s way, they were doing them their way, and things were not going well. A whole generation missed out on the Promised Land because after they were saved, they failed to surrender.
Now Joshua and the people stood before the Jordan River, closer than they had ever been to arriving at God’s promised destination, and God had a message for them: “Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you.” (Joshua 3:5)
When I read these words, they jumped off the page at me. Just like the Israelites had done when they were in the wilderness, I had become like the world around me. I was mingling with the “gods” of this world rather than living set apart for the One True God. But I wanted the Lord to do amazing things in my life. I wanted my life to mean something. I wanted to make an impact and leave a legacy. And God was telling me like He had told His people all those years ago that I needed to make a change. I couldn’t keep living life with Jesus as an accessory. I needed to take my eyes off the distractions the devil was throwing at me and put them on my Savior. I needed to stop being a lukewarm follower of Christ and live my life all-in for Him. It was time to consecrate myself and come home to Him.
Time to go home.
I had been living like the prodigal son who had left the safety of his father to chase the things of this world. I hadn’t considered how my lifestyle was affecting my relationship with God. I prayed only when I was afraid or when I needed something. I barely read my Bible. I rarely went to church or spent time with people that loved the Lord. Like the prodigal son, I was convinced that the big world had more to offer me, and I ended up in the pigpen.
I worried about things I had no control over. I searched for meaning and purpose. I allowed pain to poison my perspective. I struggled with strongholds, stuck in a cycle of failure and guilt. I was anxious about the future. Frantic was the best way to describe it. Even when things were going well, I tried to figure out how to make sure they stayed that way.
All the while I knew there had to be more. I was a child of God, but I was living as though we were estranged. An occasional phone call. A periodic visit. Why was I like that? I certainly didn’t expect to benefit from only a half-hearted involvement in any of my other relationships. I knew Jesus needed to be at the center of my life, but I didn’t know how to get him there.
How long will you love what is worthless and pursue a lie? – Psalm 4:2 CSB
The transformation journey begins
Back to my God-provided epiphany. “Consecrate yourselves for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you.” What did this mean for me?
Consecrate – The best part of the journey has been the surrender. I realized that very little of my life was consecrated to the Lord. I was drinking, smoking, short-tempered, lacking self-control, always worried, and on some circular search for the true north compass in my life. But as soon as I decided to truly surrender to the work of the Holy Spirit, things began to change.
Tomorrow – There have been more than 5,000 tomorrows since God showed me this verse and every one of them has held a new lesson. Some little ones, some life-changing ones. Some that made me feel like I was on track. Some that made me feel like I was totally blowing it. Yet God’s grace and His patience have been in every single one.
Amazing – To be honest, the amazing part is the journey itself. Seeing God in every detail. Having peace in the struggles, joy in the victories, and faith in the outcome. Every part of my life lived with Jesus is amazing.
Stepping into the abundant life
A lot has happened on this journey. I’ve raised children. Stopped and started careers. Began writing. Quit smoking and drinking. Found a church home. Experienced some pretty big health challenges and financial struggles. Through all of it, the good and the bad, God has proven Himself to be faithful.
I still struggle against my flesh and the enemy is still in the fight, but the more I feed on the Word of God and focus on what is true, the more prepared I am for the battle and the quicker the victories come.
My faith grows every day as I seek to live all-in for Jesus.
Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus had made me His own. – Philippians 3:12 ESV
Living life all-in doesn’t guarantee a lack of struggles, but it guarantees that the struggles you face will be used for good in God’s ultimate purpose for you. (Romans 8:28) When you surrender to God’s purpose for your life, you will experience peace and joy through all of it.
